So Tired

31/01/24 

He’s enjoying his independence, proudly telling me he’s started cooking and doing regular housework. 

It’s a bit of a gut punch that now he finds the enthusiasm for those chores; tasks that somehow became solely mine when we were together.

There is a small part of me that’s glad for him. 

I just wish I could have had the opportunity to live with this version of him. 

Seeing him so much more confident (and less angry) since leaving, I’m overcome with sorrow at how much I hurt him, and I know I did hurt him very badly. 

In a spectacular double whammy, I hurt myself in the process.   

I wish I could fix the past, hold him, soothe him, show him how much he means to me.

Day after day I replay our relationship, wishing I could turn back time, do things differently. 

He’s the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night; he’s in my head every minute in between. 

I feel like I never cross his mind unless it’s because of practical matters.

Most recently, this was to tell me I need to put the bills into my name and get direct debits set up ‘cos he’s not going to be paying any of it any more. 

Not gonna lie, dealing with that shit is bringing me to my knees all over again; unpicking ‘together’ and becoming separate on every front fucking hurts so much.

Frankly he doesn’t help – every time I deal with one thing, he shrugs and says, “Have you done this other one?”

Then, when I tell him I need a little time to take each step as I’m finding it tough, he responds with crying face emojis.

Then, texts telling me there’s no rush, it could have waited until next month.   

What the fuck?!

I’m still stress puking multiple times daily.

My head’s battered and my heart’s in pieces. 

I’m exhausted. 

JP