Find A Path And Stick To It

29/01/24 

Today I plucked up the courage to ask a favour of him (bearing in mind he’s quite specifically told me to ask if I need lifts or anything).

I need to get out of the city for a while to I can walk, breathe, feel cleansed. 

Before calling him I was extremely careful to be clear, within myself, that the walk was what was important to me. His presence was not. 

I fully expected that he’d happily drop me somewhere, go off on his bike, then pick me up again at an appointed time and place. 

He reacted as if I was trying to trick him into a date or something. 

After me spending a couple of hours trying to process the rejection and sadness I felt at this response, I got a text from him saying he’d take me and suggesting some days that would suit him. 

What were his thoughts during that time?  Why did he change his mind? 

Was it that he felt he’d been unnecessarily abrupt with me, as he said, and if so, why would that matter to him? 

Was the change of heart just a case of being a kind decent human, or was it because he does care, a bit, about me and my feelings? 

I continue to have so many questions that only he has the answers to, but I can’t ask because he doesn’t like talking about feelings. 

Trying to get him to do so just makes him feel lectured and harassed, and if he’s going to believe that things can change, I can’t continue to make him feel like that. 

I wish I had some magic x-ray device that would reveal his true feelings to me. 

I feel so confused and lost. 

JP