Can We Have A Reset?

27/01/24 

I have to fight myself every day not to contact him. 

He continues to say he needs space, but hasn’t definitively said there’s no possible chance for us.

I know the more I push, the further he’ll retreat, but the voice in my head keeps needling me to let him know I miss him, want him, need him. 

He already knows what I want – to each use this time and space to become better people, then to come back together. Starting back at dating, to build a bigger, better, stronger relationship. 

At the moment it’s not that way for him. 

There’s no point keep telling him all that stuff, trying to find the magic word combo to make him change his mind.  All I can do is give him the space he asked for and hope he reaches out to me of his own free will. 

I would so willingly set our old relationship aside, would put my everything into building a new relationship with him based on who we are now rather than who we were when we hurt each other. 

I fantasise about going on a ‘first date’ with him – that excitement of looking forward to the day or night, the pleasure of his company, the joy in connecting with him fully. The discovery of the person he is today, the next call, the next date, the ‘first time’ making love. 

If that chance was ever given to me, I’d be treating it as the start of a whole new relationship, with all the delicious uncharted potential that entails. 

I wouldn’t push for more than he was ready to give, not this time. 

I’d enjoy the slow blossom. 

I’d let him take his steps and make his moves as felt right for him, not based on my timeline and my insecurities. 

I wish, I wish, I wish… 

JP