Give Me Something, Anything

25/01/24 

Fuck me, it’s really hard navigating basic life after your husband has unexpectedly walked out.

Crap hits me out of nowhere. 

The other day I nearly broke down sobbing in the confectionery aisle of Tesco because they were playing a track that reminded me of one of our road trips, and I was standing right in front of his favourite car sweets. 

Tonight, I came out of work and the area was full of people enjoying a Saturday night out.

I’m scurrying home to a dark, empty house, for a weekend of nothing at all but sadness and loneliness. All around me couples are holding hands, laughing, kissing, celebrating. 

I nearly crumbled in the street.  

I hate not being a part of anything; I so loved being ‘us’ with him. 

I miss him terribly. 

I just want to ring him and ask him to come over. 

I want to hold him, to be held by him. 

I want him. 

I can cope fine with him not living here, but I don’t know how to handle there not being an ‘us’ at all.  

I like being someone’s someone. 

He initiated a text conversation recently; I reiterated my suggestion to him that we could try a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario.

He didn’t say no outright, but did say it would feel like he’s using me. 

Random fuck buddies are not my thing anymore (how would I even find one at my age?!), but I reckon it could work for the two of us; time spent in bed, tangled in sheets, not tangled in the weight of our problems, just sex for sex sake. 

Am I saying I so badly want him in my life that I’ll take whatever crumbs I can get?

I am.

Does it make me cheap? 

Probably, but what’s new? 

I want to rediscover him, inch by inch. I want to hear him moan with pleasure.  I want to be able to abandon myself to him, experiencing pleasure for its own sake. 

I want to try new and exciting things, instead of the ‘paint by numbers’ sex we ended up having.

I want to take things back to how it was before we started to assume we knew what each other wanted. 

I want to find out, from scratch, what feels good to him, and I want to lay in his arms afterwards, feeling that amazing glow of connection and satisfaction. 

Am I just creating new torture for myself with these ideas? 

If I am, I don’t know how to stop it. 

I miss him so much and want him so bad I’d take a once a week fuck just to still share some part of him. 

JP