I’m Lost

19/01/24 

Right now, I’m fighting the urge to text him, to ask about his day, to chat about nothing.

So far, I’m resisting. 

I’d put money on me regretting it if I did it; I’d doubtless feel I’d encroached on his space in an unwelcome way. 

Or maybe not. 

Or maybe. 

Time and again I resolve to not do it, to respect the space he’s said he needs, no pushing.  Momentarily I’ll feel calmer; giving him space is the one thing I can do for him right now, it’s the only thing he’s asked for from me. 

But the ache of loneliness, the pain of losing him, the terror that it’s a complete and forever loss – these feelings march all over the calm and dig themselves deeper into my nauseous stomach. 

I feel like I’m becoming slightly unhinged.  I can’t keep my emotions straight for five minutes. 

How am I supposed to negotiate this?  I don’t have a map and the road won’t reveal itself.

I wish I had a guide; I’m so bloody lost. 

JP