Rearranging The Deckchairs

17/01/24 

Today I rearranged the bedroom furniture so that it looks and feels different to the way it did when he left. 

This is less about wanting to let go of him, and more about reclaiming myself.  If I must live in this house without him, I have to somehow make it mine again, not ’ours’. 

It’s a kinda superficial thing but maybe it will help this process just a little. 

Right now, it feels a bit like some sort of faking it.  Still, if nothing else, it kept me busy for a few hours and stopped me from sitting here obsessing about him. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll do the living room. 

Of course, given the absolute rollercoaster of emotions I’m experiencing, I may come home from work tomorrow and be able to do nothing but bawl my eyes out, but I can at least have the intention. 

I wonder if he’ll see these changes I’m making to the house as me moving on? 

I wonder if that will make him glad? Relieved? 

Or maybe just a tiny bit sad?

I’d prefer the latter, even if it’s just a small tug at his heartstrings. At least that would mean he still had some feeling/attachment to me. 

I’m trying so hard to give him the space he asked for.  The trouble is, space for him leaves a total void for me. 

Filling the hole he left feels like an impossible task.

I’ll keep on trying, but right now it feels there will forever be this hunger in me that only he could sate. 

JP