Where’s The Off Button

15/01/24 

I think maybe me saying I still love him pisses him off a bit. 

I think when he tells me I should just hate him it’s because it would alleviate his guilt; if I hated him, he could tell himself I wasn’t hurt by him. 

I don’t think I have it in me to hate him.  Nothing over all these years has induced hatred; I’ve loved him throughout, albeit I’ve not always been loving. 

There have been times when the love I felt got overshadowed by hurt, fear, insecurity, circumstances, but the flame was only dimmed, never put out. 

It probably would be easier if I could make myself angry and full of hate towards him. Believe me, dear Diary, I’ve given myself many a good talking to, trying to persuade my heart to give up on him, but it refuses.  Life is just too huge to contemplate without him forever. 

I don’t mean I’m going to jump in front of a train or anything drastic like that, I just mean I can’t seem to comprehend a forever that he’s not part of. It’s like trying to visualise the entirety of the universe. 

Every time I start down the thought path of ‘he’s gone forever’ I have an internal freak out and have to run back to the place where the glimmer of hope lives. 

I wish there was a switch I could flip – the pain would stop and I wouldn’t care anymore. 

JP