The Smell of Hypocrisy

11/01/24 

He’s in Spain. 

He’d planned this solo holiday long before he told me he was leaving me.  

Although I hadn’t stood in his way at all over this, I had objected to the cavalier way he’d gone around it, with no consideration or question that I might want to go too.  

I’d asked how he’d feel if I just decided to go off on holiday, alone, like that; his response was “If it was something you really wanted to do…”  

It was only today that it occurred to me that I really wanted to go to university, and to this day he resents the fact that, despite his objections, I made the decision to go ahead.

I always said I’d support him if he wished to change career, or study, or whatever floated his boat, so he too could feel the kind of fulfilment that studying brought me. That whole thing, to me, was never a one-way street, it’s just he chose not to drive down it.

I didn’t even fucking object to him going to Spain, just asked him to be a tad more considerate in his approach to it. 

If we were together, I’d have tried to talk this out with him, explain how I feel, try to get him to see the hypocrisy, find some way where we could better see the other’s point of view…  

It would have ended in a row because somehow I always approach things wrong.

The urge to contact him is 100% there but it would be pointless; what could I even say that wouldn’t sound like an accusation?  

Also, I promised myself I’d give him total space to be on this holiday.  Maybe, just maybe, he’ll miss me in that space. 

JP